Thursday, December 16, 2010

What I wanted out of my life

Hello everyone!

Today I decided to blog about what I wanted to do with my life. My life has so many ups and downs. So many broken dreams and dreams come true. Here are the ups and downs of what I call my life.

To start off I would love to add one of my favorite quotes. Its by Thomas Jefferson. He said "Our greatest happiness does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has placed us, but is always the result of a good conscience, good health, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits."

When I was three I wanted to be just like my mom. I would do what all the little girls would do. Dress up in moms clothes and shoes. I was a princess hiding way down under a tom boy.

At five I wanted to sing. After all I kept hearing my grandma was almost a star. She gave it up for her kids. I was told she was offered a job in the the group The Tennessee Trio. I thought day and night of being a famous star on stage. To sing and make people happy. What an amazing life musicians have. I can sing but I am no star. I don't know how old I was when I realized that. My father also had a gift of playing music by ear. Another talent not passed down to me. Do I let this stop me? No, today I still deep down wish I was up on that stage. I guess that is why I used to love shows like American Idol or America's Got Talent. To this day I still sing loud when I hear a song hoping maybe someone would realize I had talent. Those dreams eventually faded and I moved on.

Sixteen. So ready to conquer the world. I thought I knew everything. A friend in High School introduced me to Art. I could draw! maybe I was meant to be an artist! Yeah Right. I could draw basic sketches but thats all it fizzled down to. I had basic art skills. Nothing that would make a person say "wow". I learned that fast in my art class only achieving one of my worst grades in high school, a C. So, obviously the teacher was wack and did not understand a thing about art. Right? Yeah so my teenage mind thought. The guy on the corner drawing cartoon characters of people has more talent then me. We grow we learn. I learned a new quote back then its by an American Poet Henry David Thoreau. "Our truest life is when we are in our dreams awake." I loved that quote so much it moved me on to my next quest.

Now being eighteen and a High School graduate I was more mature and ready to take on life. So my favorite quote was from a Poet. I can rhyme, we learned that in 1st grade. I bet I would be a great Poet. I started writing my poems down and was a little scared at what I saw. Most of my life I was going though a severe depression and this became my outlet. I was scared how scary my poems got. Mostly about death, mine that is. So once again I was not going anywhere fast. I was also going through my what they call goth days then. This was before there was a "goth" title for kids. I watched all the scariest movies and loved them. I was waiting for My White knight or my prince charming to come rescue me from my horrid life. So Poems, as you can guess, was another dream lost.

Still around eighteen I heard a lot of great Horror movie screenwriters got there ideas from dreams. Well I had some really strange dreams. Maybe I could turn them in to record selling Novels. So for months I would jot down my darkest and strangest dreams and started making actual stories out of them. I actually thought I was pretty good at it. I do have a problem with the English language. It does not like me at all. My grammar is always atrocious. Yet, I excel in science. (but I did not want to pursue science.) Its something genetic they say. So what happen to all the great stories I dreamed up? My eight year younger sister got a hold of them and showed my mom to get me in trouble. Well that and to never hear the end of her making fun of my grammar and leaving out words. I love to write but obviously I realized was not my talent unless you want to read a story you would never understand.

So, by time I was twenty, I wanted to be someone else so bad it hurt. I thought having a child and a husband would make me feel complete. That was a talent. To be Supermom and a Superwife. I got married at twenty four. Had the most beautiful, blonde curly hair, blue eyed boy you could ever meet. By time he was almost one he had breathing Apnea and stopped breathing. This changed my life forever. He ended up being ok after I did CPR and got him to breathe again. After that my life started to spiral even more out of control. My husband is mentally challenged and has anxiety problems. My son turns out to be autistic with a several year learning delay. I start the first of my health problems. I start by gaining a lot of weight. I still have. No matter how healthy or little I eat its lost on me. I also acquired fibromyalgia where my body hurts and is sore bad that I barely can move some days. So if that was not enough I got two bad disc in my back and an arthritis pain down my back and my legs from my son sitting on my nerves during my last month of caring him. Oh! wait I forgot to add two bad knees with tendinitis and most likely I am inheriting the spinal stenosis that both my parents have severe. So most days I can not even get out of bed and the days I do my husband has to help me out. So much for supermom. Another dream lost.

Now my dream is for my son. For him to beat his Autism and learning problems. That would be the dream that I never got. It would be the happily ever after all little girls dream about. My son aspires to be a Animal Doctor. I hope he achieves every dream and every thought he has. I want the world to be perfect for him where no one can touch him. That is my dream now. What I aspire for. I would die trying to make it happen. There is nothing I would not do or try to make him happy.

So, the sum of my dreams where that I did not achieve a one of them but I would do anything to make sure my son does. My Dream for this year is to beat Autism. As Henri Frederic Amiel put it "Learn to…be what you are, and learn to resign yourself with good grace all that you are not" Thank you everyone for listening to my story. I hope some can relate and feel free to contact me. Or maybe just maybe I can make a parent feel good about what they CAN do for their kids. Don't let your dreams die. If at the end of the rainbow there is no pot of gold, find another rainbow! ~ Me.. aka.. momofbestbaby or Joanne Smith

I wrote this blog post while participating in the TwitterMoms and OWN: Oprah Winfrey Network blogging program, for a $50 gift card. For more information on how you can participate, click here.

1 comment :

  1. Hello my name is Nadia Plunkett, I was reading your story and was very touched, as a mother of 4 I know how much we want to see our children succeed and and do well in life and experience all that life has to offer them. I noticed that you said your son has Autism and you are dealing with some health issues of your own as well as your hubby. That is truly a lot to deal with but let me be the first to encourage you and let you know that although you may not feel like right now but you are a SuperMom and Super wife! I can see how much you love your family just from reading your blog. I recently started my own company and would like to share it with you its called L.I.F.E Solutions (Living in Full Excellence!)you can find me on Facebook and here is my or my website I beleive i have some solutions to those needs you expressed in your writing for your sons autism and the wellness issues you and your husband are experiencing. We all have something that tries to keep us from reaching our full potential including myself but we must find the strength to rise above it and walk in Excellence! i hope to hear from you soon and all the best to you and yours God Bless!

    Nadia Plunkett


Joanne Smith

Joanne Smith
Joanne Smith

About Mom In Nebraska

Joanne Smith is the head blogger for Mom In Nebraska. She currently resides in Omaha, NE. with her family. She has a wonderful miracle *her Autistic son Timmy that loves electronics.* Joanne has worked in customer service her whole life and loves it. She worked hard in College and studied a wide variety of subjects from Biology, Chem, Web Design, Early Childhood Education and much more. Now she is a SAHM, Blogger and Homeschooler. Next task for Joanne is trying to take over the world..... or at least her little part of it.