Cancer is Evil

 So here it is.  My first blog in forever.  Why? I know I had fans out there that wondered why I up and disappeard. I bet by the title of this post you know why.  I lost my aunt when she was 43 years old aprox to stage 4 colon cancer.  I knew I had plenty of health issue but never would I have I expected Cancer.  I as you know have my autistic son to take care of and this cant be happeing so I thought in 2019 when I was diagnosed with Cancer.  Stage 2, Pancreas and small bowel.  My life went from out of control and then it stopped with no sound.  You could of heard a pin drop.  With my first ever fainting and me ignoring black stool because I knew if you take supplements or even pepto bismal you can have blackish stool.  I was walking more and more and not losing weight.  Not only that but each day I felt so tired and not stronger.  I tend to let my health spiral.  To be honest I been in a deep dark space for sometime before the cancer.  My life is beyond stressful and hard but I love my son and he is the easiest thing to love in my life (He is my Anchor and now I live for God and him.  My husband and me are like to rams battling it out all the time.  My husband is disabled mentally and physically but he knows what he is doing.  With that he kept making me more and more depressed. Once again I was that small child with no where to turn and no one to trust.  And like that I wanted life to end.  My whole life I wanted my life over with. 

 I was molested as a child by my uncle.. to finally get that out feels amazing.  Only a tight group of people in my life know that.  I never told anyone.  I was afraid no one would believe me but when I was married and pregnant I finally gave in and confessed this to my mom.  In my mind we were not close but I loved my mom but felt I could never please her.  Through the years of mental abuse from my sister who is 8 years younger than me and I spoiled her rotten.  She never missed a day of letting me know how fat and ugly I was as she started preteen years.  I still love her but she has not respect or love for me.   

Cancer again back to 2019 I was in the ER and they told me I had cancer.  It wasn't bad but where it was was.  The most dangerous areas.. Sudenly was... My pancreas was in almost complete necrosis along with a lot of my small bowels and I was bleeding into my bowels.  I prayed to God the night before if it is severe please let it be found in time My son needs me and I finally don't want to leave, I want to live.  I prepared for the worst.... Surgery day... The worst happend.  It took much longer and I all but bled out on the table.  Not one Doctor or Resident thought I would make it through the first night.... I did.... They kept trying to make me sit up but when I did my blood pressure went so low they couldnt get a pulse.  So, again they didn't think I would make that night either.  They had to hook up to an area I rather not mention to find a pulse.  My pulse so weak I needed 4 Blood pressure shots.  Third day... I was still alive but unresponisive.  This was the begining of my 4 month hospitalization. My mom was there having my back every day.  While I lived in a dream state and only rember waking every night to the same thing over and over. tbc.. To be continued.