Thursday, September 4, 2014

Feeling Inadequate

Really, I am so out of it I had to spell check the word.  I know I am just overwhelmed.  Life is Life different for all and overwhelming for me.  Like the title of this post I am feeling inadequate.  Admitting life is overwhelming does not make you a weaker person.  It makes you human.  That is what we are and all we can be.  Yes, I still strive to be perfect but I know there is a limit I have.  I homeschool, blog, I try to cook and clean but my body is falling apart so I detest I can only do so much.  I have many hobbies but never have the time to do them.  Yes, Yes, I know all this but I still feel Inadequate to be the perfect mom I want to be.  My son and husband are physically and mentally handicapped and I am physically disabled.

Being disabled... Is so frustrating excepting limits.  I always compare myself to a normal person.  I feel like my own body is against me.  You think of yourself as normal and then your body works against you and it humiliating.   Sometimes life is too much.  What could be worse than your own body working against you? Lots I guess.  I was the person that cleaned to the t.  I was very anal about cleaning.  I cooked, walked, cleaned and worked several jobs and now I am very limited to what I can do.  It is like your own body is betraying you. 

Autism, My son has Asperger's Autism.  Yes, I feel blessed having a special child.  God gives special kids to special people, I been told and I try to remember that every day. God thinks a lot of me because he does not give you more than you can handle.  Wow, I been through hell and back with life. 

Victim.  I refuse to be.  This world is full of victims or people playing the victim.  Enough is enough.  I had a bad childhood and it was not my parents fault it was because I was molested for years yet the person who did it refuses to admit it and turned the family against me.  My parents were the best they could be when I was growing up and could not of asked of more from them.   No one is perfect with the first child.  To the man that did this to me.  . I Forgive him.  Even when he makes me out to be a liar.  I would take a lie detector in a heart beat.  Would he?   I will not be a victim. You do not know how hard that is but I need to so I can heal and not be a victim.

I truly forgive everyone.  Hate is not a way to live.  It may get you through things but it changes you and makes you into a dark and lonely person.   It turns you from wine to vinegar.  Life is too hard.. Why make it harder? 

Life is crazy, I just need my peace to make it through.  My peace.. What is that?  My faith is part of it.  My love for my child, knowing life has a purpose,  feeling accomplished and know that since I am worried about what kind of mother I am lets me know I am a good mom because I care about messing up. 

Thanks for reading and being here through my Journey of life.

No comments :

Post a Comment

Joanne Smith

Joanne Smith
Joanne Smith

About Mom In Nebraska

Joanne Smith is the head blogger for Mom In Nebraska. She currently resides in Omaha, NE. with her family. She has a wonderful miracle *her Autistic son Timmy that loves electronics.* Joanne has worked in customer service her whole life and loves it. She worked hard in College and studied a wide variety of subjects from Biology, Chem, Web Design, Early Childhood Education and much more. Now she is a SAHM, Blogger and Homeschooler. Next task for Joanne is trying to take over the world..... or at least her little part of it.